Posts Tagged ‘alien’

I’m sick of George Lucas.

March 12, 2012

George Lucas clearly has no artistic integrity because not only can’t he leave well enough alone, he has to pimp out these wonderful characters that I and many others love.

Who here wants to see Chewbacca selling shampoo? I don’t. But it’s inevitable.

I saw these Vodafone ads and was angry. I didn’t cry, I’m past the disappointment. I’m just so full of rage.

JOSH SMASH!!

R2D2 and C3PO selling electronics disappointing, but I see what you’ve done there.

Darth Vader sellig PCs at christmas…you’ve lost me.

Yoda? Phones? WTF? Oh wait, I see it…You’ve got some 3D version of Ep1 The Phantom Menace coming out and you want to reinforce the mass perception of a CGI yoda over the puppet one you replaced in the film. Very nice. Very Clever. Vodaphone. Genius.

(I’ve altered these a little in order to bring out the true meaning of the ad campaign)

It’s an interesting debate as to whether an artist should be allowed to change their work once it’s in the public domain. The way I see it, once it’s out there in the public it has been given. You don’t take back gifts from people just like you don’t take back art and alter it.

What Lucas clearly doesn’t realise is Star Wars is bigger than him. Sure he started it but he had a huge team working on the original films so sole creative credit should not go to him.

Star Wars to me is a lot like a beautiful woman with a great personality, a couple of spots and a slight lisp.

It’s love at first sight, she’s perfect. However one day a few years down the line she gets a boob job, you don’t mind this so much because you like big fake boobs. Still it’s not enough for her and gets a nose job and a facelift.

You tolerate this because you love and tell her she doesn’t need it and that she was perfect before. Then you notice that her lisp is gone. You didn’t realise how much you loved that lisp, it’s silly really but it gave her character.

She then goes and gets a sex change. Several surgeries, some hormone treatment and a clothes change later you find that she’s not the person you fell in love with originally. Not only does she look alien and sound different but her personality has changed somewhat too. Having said that you still care for her because love knows no bounds and she is the mother of your children.

You soon learn that it has been her father who has been manipulating into changing herself because all he’s ever wanted in life is a son and hs wife has only given him daughters.

Furthermore he’s been messing around with science and has attempted to clone her in order to start over, but the cloning process was imperfect and he has created a severely mentally and phsyically handicapped mutant female child with possible psychic powers.

Now any sane person would have the father put away somewhere he could do no harm, yet he seems to be roaming free. It won’t be long now before we see the fruits of his unholy experiments lord help us all…

Josh

p.s.One Star Wars film in 3D will be released a year until 2017.

Advertisements

Farewell Fear Agent – The End of an Era

December 13, 2011

Last month Fear Agent, one of my two favourite ongoing comics of the past few years ended (the other being The Boys).

For those of you that don’t know Fear Agent is an action-sci-fi-horror-pulp-esque space epic written by Rick Remender and illustrated by Tony Moore and Jerome Opena all of whom are badass. It tells the story of Heath Huston a drunkard, alien exterminator/bounty hunter and the last of the fear agents. He’s also from Texas and the luckiest ill fated cowboy ever to exist.

It has pretty much has everything anyone could ever want in life or comics (if you’re me anyhow). Things like time travel, space pirates, gladiatoral combat, zombies, giant robots of the stompy variety, ray guns, interdimensional jaunts, cowboys and plot twists galore. It does them well and nothing seems out of place.

This is my tribute to the ending of an era and a series I enjoyed very, very much. If you have’t read it, do so!

Josh

Top Ten Ginger Deaths in Film

January 9, 2011

Here it is folks!

The Top 10 Ginger Deaths in film:

Drum roll please…

10Watchmen

I didn’t like what I saw of the film and I like this scene even less. The explosion is not quick or violent enough and it completely cheapens the impact of Rorschach’s death. However i’m sure there are some of you that liked it, so this is for you.

Enjoy

(p.s. If you haven’t, read the comic if it’s the only one you ever read)

9Dune

I understand Kyle Machlachanahnan must’ve been under a lot of pressure when David Lynch asked him to have a duel to the death with Sting on the set of Dune. Not only was sting already an established actor due to his exceptional role in Quadrophenia but he was also highly proficient with a blade due to his time as a knife fighter. During matches he would regularly discard the blade and proceed bite his opponents, thus earning the name ‘the sting’ (later shortened) as his behaviour was often fast, unexpected and injuries stung afterward.

Anyway, Kyle Machlachanannannn fights Sting, he gets the upper hand and kills sting in the head with a knife, he then shouts so loudly he makes the ground break.

Class.

8 Ken Park

It’s a nice summer day, this Kid called Ken goes skate boarding. On his journey to the skate park he does some tricks and by the time he gets there is frustrated because his ‘skilzz’ are ‘whack’ so blows his brains out in front everyone.

This is why something called practice was invented.

7Goldeneye

Fat, balding, ginger admiral…DEATH BY SEX!

(even better because it’s in Hindi)

6 Last Action Hero

Charles Dance shoots Arnie and is about to finish him off with a knife…

But Arnie attacks him with words:

‘No sequel for you!’

Arnie then shoots Charles Dance in the eye who then explodes…twice.

5Perfume

Jean-Baptiste Grenouille likes to smell red heads. Hey, i’m not judging…whatever tickles your pickle. Thing is he goes a bit further and kills them. In this scene he follows a girl, sniffs and then strangles her.

Later on in the film he goes further still and shaves a dead chick’s head, keeping the hair and turning it into a perfume. That gets him into some touble so maybe taking the hair was a step too far.

(I couldn’t find the exact scene online, so this’ll have to do)

Next time a guy tells you he thinks you smell so good he wants to make a perfume out of you, just be careful because he might really be saying ‘I want to kill you and shave your head.’

4Goldfinger

Another James Bond one, this time Auric Goldfinger is sucked out of a plane arse first.

I’m noticing a theme with fat balding red heads in James Bond…

3Starship Troopers

Everything is going well…as well as any retreat from giant alien bugs that spray fire from their faces.

Dizzy (a hot chick with a gun) kills a bug and is pretty happy because it’s worth at least 1000xp meaning she’ll level up really soon and will be able to upgrade her dexterity because lately she’s noticed that her combat reflexes were not as good as they should be.

Anyway she’s waving to Rico who’s pretty impressed and just as she’s about to get on the ship…

BAM!

Impaled by a giant insect spider thing and stabbed like 50 times!

Everyone’s a bit sad, not that sad, but a bit upset. She tries hitting on Rico with blood coming out of her mouth and all these new holes she’s gained. Rico doesn’t find it sexy because she’s pretty much dead, and then she dies.

Yeah well that’ll teach you to put points into charisma, all the good it did you.

2 Dune (again)

This is probably the most brutal one out of the lot. Fat, puss ridden, homosexual Baron Harkonen is having his face poked at by some subserviant mad pervert ‘doctor’. Some slave kid comes in and the Baron is on it already.

He levitates up to this young ginger boy with what can only be described as a curious-and-excited look-of-a-determined-sex-face and then proceeds to bleed the boy to death.

Why?

Because he can.

1Once Upon a Time in the West

This number one for good reason.

It is perfect.

It’s the first impression you get of Henry Fonda’s character (Henry Fonda was famous for playing good guys so this was quite a change). His gang shoot up the innocent McBain family murdering three of them except the youngest, who then comes out to find his family dead.

He stands there in shock as five men in dusters approach him.They stand there looking at him. Henry Fonda sort of smiles and looks like the doesn’t really want to kill the kid, but you’re unsure if he is because of the look in his eyes. Then after the goon speaks you know he is.

Goon:’what do we do now frank?’

Fonda:’well now that you’ve called me by name…’

BAM!

Dead ginger kid.

Brilliant, Beautiful. Ruthless.

Josh